Posted by Johnnie
Er … kill them? That ought to do it, surely?
Am I being too analytical? I sense that I’m not supposed to look at this too deeply, but simply accept it as something profound. If the guy with the deep voice said it over a trailer, that might help.
Posted by Johnnie
As if we needed any more proof that genius is a fickle mistress, elusive and intermitent, I present Guns ‘N Roses’ Sweet Child O’ Mine:
She’s got eyes of the bluest skies / As if they thought of rain.
Brilliant. That’s a fantastic lyric. There are people who would die happy if they wrote a lyric half that good. What have you got next for us, Axl?
I hate to look into those eyes / And see an ounce of pain.
Ow. Sorry. You were doing so well, too. Next!
Not many people have heard Axl Rose’s original lyrics for this verse, which were cut at the request of Geffen Records (and the rest of the band):
She’s got eyes of the bluest skies / As if they thought of rain / I hate to look into those eyes / And see an ounce of pain / Metric weighing vexes her / And makes her head go “ouch” / I want to make the sex with her / Upon our tour bus couch. / Ooh, yeah, baby / Lick my love pump, etc.
“Must make it rhyme! Else it’s not poetry!“
Posted by Johnnie
Suggestion for the Peperami marketing people: you have a product which consists of a long, cylindrical, extremely phallic stick of pink meat. You may find your sales increase if you do not package this product in a wrapper which looks, feels and (most importantly) unwraps exactly like a condom. You may also want to consider an alternative to the rather condom-like plastic wrapping that surrounds every peparami, and which one has to unroll in a condom-like fashion in order to slip the meaty goodness into one’s mouth.
Is it just me, or is it hot in here?
Posted by johnnie
“Officials have warned that fish caught in the Firth of Forth, which is now contaminated with hundreds of gallons of raw sewage, should not be eaten.”
Metro (Scotland), 24th April 2007
Posted by johnnie
I’ve learnt to accept Nintendo’s new console being called the Wii. It’s a stupid, stupid name (although hilarious in a very purile way), but at least people remember it. Also, the console does actually look like it might be pretty good. So, okay, Wii it is.
I can even accept a game called, rather ambiguously, Wii Play.
But, this? Are you having a laugh?
You can’t release a game with this name. You just can’t. One clumsy Google mistyping, and little Jonny is reading about a whole different type of sports. This is just scandalous – where’s Jack Thompson when you need him?
Posted by johnnie
I’m back in Yorkshire for the weekend, and I travelled down by train with Laura’s cat in a catbox. The ticket inspector noticed the catbox at my feet.
“What have we got in the box, then?”, she asked, in a slightly patronising manner.
“Well,” I replied, “I think it’s a cat. I mean, it was when I set off, but until we open the box we just can’t be sure, can we?”
She looked at me for a moment with an expression of deadpan confusion.
“Yes we can,” she eventually offered, “you can see the paws through the holes in the side.”