Posted by Johnnie
Congratulations to all the nominees and winners of this year’s Online Machinima Film Festival. I’m really annoyed that I couldn’t be at the ceremony this year, but my run-by-idiots ISP didn’t switch my new ADSL line on until a few hours ago. Anyway, gratz to everyone, and congratulations to the OMFF team on a job well done.
Posted by Johnnie
Here is a tip for increased success in life, which I give to you, my faithful reader (or perhaps even “readers”) out of the goodness of my extensive heart. Following this rule faithfully will guarantee a less troublesome life. The tip is this:
If you have recently moved house, and your new house is – literally – next door to a primary school, do not, under any circumstances, get out of bed at about nine o’clock and wander round in front of your open bedroom window in nothing but your boxer shorts.
This tip was brought to you by I Hate Sheep – making the world a better place, one idiot at a time.
Posted by Johnnie
Cambridge, my current humble abode, must be one of the most bike-friendly cities in the world. First of all, it is resolutely, uncompromisingly flat. There are no hills in Cambridge. When it rains, the water just mills about in little puddles looking confused. There are also bicycle lanes everywhere, and bike stands on every street. There are a phenomenal number of cyclists, and the city is full of motorists who have been trained to be aware of bikes.
And yet, still, despite all of this … people still cycle on the pavements. Why? Why do they do this? That’s where I’m trying to walk. The little bit of road that’s specially dedicated to them – you know, the one with the little picture of a bike on it – is where they should really be. If I started walking down the street in the bike lane I’d soon get comments.
Also, why is it that so many motorists seem to have trouble understanding the phrase “only if your exit is clear”? Do the crosshatching boxes actually have the words “Free Parking” painted across them but only visible from behind the wheel of a BMW? Get out of my way! I’m trying to cross the road! The lights have changed for the first time in fifteen minutes, and I have about three and a half seconds to cross before they change back. Your penisreplacementmobile is blocking my path.
I don’t drive, and never have, but I swear I’d be a better driver than most of the tossers on the road.
Right. Rant over. Back to work.
Posted by Johnnie
Money that comes from an ATM on the day you get paid is always so much sweeter, isn’t it? If I get money out on pay day, it always seems to be crisp new notes, unfolded and smelling of success. The machine seems pleased for me. It’s almost as if it’s saying “Yeah, you’re the man. You’re the man! There’s plenty more where that came from, baby!”
Ask the machine for money towards the end of the month, though, when you’re scratting around to find enough change to buy a pint of milk, and it’s a different story. The machine whirs and beeps and grumbles, seeming to take an inordinate amount of time to check my card, and eventually spits it back out at me along with a grubby old tenner, ripped in two and held together with sellotape. The machine is disgusted with me. “You should be ashamed of yourself.” it mutters as I slink away.
I know, of course, that I should try to save some of the money from month to month. That way the machine will always be my friend. Unfortunately, I now live in Cambridge, so that pretty much buggers that idea.